Monthly Archives: January 2014

Just when you finally learned the days of the week…

My girlfriend, Kylie, left for New Zealand today. She’s off to start a new adventure, taking teacher’s college in Christchurch. It’s a ten month program. Obviously I wish her the best and send my love over the 18 hour time difference, but I’m still a bit sad in the feels department.

Fortunately, I’m at my parents’ house. Since they became empty-nesters-of-sort (during the school year, anyways) they’ve eliminated most of the good food from the house, so I can’t gorge myself in order to crush the aforementioned feels under an avalanche of chocolate and candy.

What I can do, is write.

On the topic of food, you’ve all probably, at some point or the other, heard the Subway commercials where someone says something like ‘oh that report is due on Tuesday’ and then some moron replies, “Tuesday? Oh you mean Ham and Swiss Day!” or something to that effect. Stupid, stupid commercials. Trying to rename the days? What a travesty, I would think. But apparently it is more common than I thought.

Because our days of the week DO have alternative names – well, most of them, anyways. That’ll be addressed in this post as well.

As always, a tl;dr at the bottom, and also if you’re interested in learning how to write a segue like the amazing one I just did, go back to high school, pay attention in English, join the newspaper club, then major in journalism. Anways, onwards!

Man Crush Monday

This delightful day was only introduced to me recently, actually. I had never heard of it until Kylie brought it to my attention. I then confirmed it with my co-op student and found it was, in fact, a socially acceptable day. The point of this day should be fairly obvious: you decide who your man crush is (usually a celebrity, but others have been known to make appearances. In fact, for those of you with a boyfriend, this may be a good way to inflate his ego a bit if you know what I mean), then make a post on [insert favourite social media site here] and then watch as everyone else posts there’s. Mine is this guy:

Woman Crush Wednesday

Sticking with the theme of matching the letter of the corresponding day of the week, Woman Crush Wednesday is essentially the same as Man Crush Monday, except this time, would-be posters pick their crush who happens to be a woman. Simple, no?  I found out about this day the same time as Man Crush Monday. Here are my two:

Note: Wednesday is also referred to as “Hump Day”, presumably because it’s in the middle of the work week and, should you make it through the day, you’ve crested the “hump” and are in for easy cruising the rest of the week.

Also, sex.

Throw-back Thursday

Oh the joy/horror of Thursdays. This is one of the more popular ones – and admittedly, the first on this list I was familiar with before a couple weeks ago – that even has its own Twitter hash tag. #TBT is where you post a picture of the past – the more distant, the better. Also, the more embarrassing the better. This is the one day each week where you can unabashedly share a glimpse of you when you were that cute kid (what happened, by the way?) or, if you’re feeling particularly brash, posting that goofy snapshot of you just as you hit puberty. Either way, a butt-ton of people will comment on it with variations of “aww” and/or “lmao” depending which route you take. I have an ultra-cheesy one because feels, and a classic #tbt.

The last selfie we’ll take for a while, taken at 5 o clock this morning.. OH SHUT UP LET ME SULK

The former is one in which I was presumably asleep since it was five in the morning. Yes this isn’t much of a throwback but SHUT UP OKAY. The latter is a true throwback to a time when my brother (right side) and I apparently not only liked Toy Story, but matching, and my sister was trying out a new dance craze in which you look like you’re a marionette.

 

Follow Friday

This bad boy took me a while to figure out. Every Friday I’d scan my Tweetdeck (it’s a program where you can run multiple Twitter accounts –which I have – at the same time – which I do – so you don’t miss anything) and see tons of people being all like “LOL #FF @soAndSo because they’re hilarious!” although they’d probably put “there” or some shit. Ugh. Anyways, using the journalistic skills I fine-tuned in college, I discovered #FF meant “follow Friday.” Basically, this is where, if you follow the merit of the day, you can tweet to all your followers the name of someone you deem deserving, in the hopes that some of your followers will become their followers as well. What most people – myself definitely included – probably do, is FF someone on their list who’s relatively well-known, in the hopes that they’ll see the mention, and appreciate it enough to say “thanks for the #ff lol” or something.

Selfie Sunday

This should be pretty self-explanatory, but for those of you who don’t have a dictionary under those rocks where you’ve presumably been living (yes, “selfie” is officially in the dictionary. I think it was also the word of the year, too, so…that’s something), “selfie Sunday” is when someone takes a “selfie” (a photo of themselves, duh), posts it, and makes some comment about how they look bad or something. This is usually accompanied by hash tags including but not limited to: #selfiesunday; #nomakeup; #nofilter; #Sunday; #weekend; and so on so forth. Although it is not Sunday, here is my favourite selfie of all time, for you, beloved reader:

 

Now. The more astute of you have, of course, noticed I skipped Tuesday and Saturday. That is because, to the best of my knowledge (read: no one has thusly informed me) they don’t have a cute meme-day-name. So, I shall come up with them now. On the spot.

Settlers of Catan Saturday

What do you MEAN you don’t know what Settlers of Catan is? I advise you to finish this blog post, then Google that shit and learn to play. If “nerd” started with an “s”, it would totally be in the title of this day as well. Warning: do not play with friends you want to keep, especially if you have to see them for the next little while.

Runner up: sleep-in Saturday. I dismissed this one because not everyone gets to sleep in Saturdays you assholes.

And finally:

Take a fucking break already, will ya? Tuesday.

Look. You’ve just posted your woman crush; a picture of you when you were two years old and naked; a plea via Twitter for people to follow your OTHER account (this happens. Also, guilty) so that they can get your posts of you as a naked two year old; a picture of you as a Settler of Catan; a blurry selfie of sleep-deprived you; and your man crush. Take a goddamn break will ya? Tuesday will be devoted to doing nothing except regular internet stuff.

So essentially, looking at catz.

It isn’t Friday but IT IS IN NEW ZEALAND AND I NOW OPERATE ON THAT TIME TOO, SO FOLLOW ME:

@CamMParkes

tl;dr:

Man Crush Monday
Take a fucking break already, will ya? Tuesday
Woman Crush Wednesday
Throw-back Thursday
Follow Friday
Settlers of Catan Saturday
Selfie Sunday

Those are the new days of the week. Get on board or you’ll be left in the dust of the interwebs.

Love,

CP

PS. If anyone knows any good chick flicks and a flavour of ice cream that will mask the taste of tears streaming into it, let me know.

Categories: Blog, Feels, Satirical | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Saturday Morning Musings: Adventure Time

Oh man, is this becoming a trend? Perhaps if I blog on Saturday mornings for enough of them, I can write a shitty book called “Saturday Morning Musings” which will already be written since it will just be a compilation of my blog posts, then sell it and get super rich?

(As always, tl;dr at the bottom.)

Currently I’m sitting in the office, alone as always on Saturdays (see my last Saturday morning post). The smell of wet carpet permeates the air, despite the myriad of de-humidifiers and fans going. We had a flood of sorts at the office yesterday; a pipe burst and soaked almost the entire space. Thankfully, our IT equipment and studio escaped harm – regretfully, my desk did not, and I lost a good notebook. It was just pages away from retirement, too.

Anyways, today will be a REVIEW SATURDAY!

(Hold for applause)

In the last several weeks, Kylie and I saw a bunch of movies, as we are wont to do on cheap Tuesdays. They’re not the real reviews, though, so I’ll sum ‘em up quick:

Frozen: awesome movie, even though it was a Disney one and perhaps geared to younger humans than I. The snowman provides comedic relief that is actually funny, there’s a twist at some point I didn’t see coming – and I always see things coming – and also apparently Kristen Bell can sing. I tweeted her about that and she responded with a very sarcastic tweet, but who cares? She’s a celebrity and can do what she wants.

American Hustle: fairly good movie, although a little boring at times. Great acting by some big names though – Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper, and Christian Bale all put in solid performances. And of course, Jennifer Lawrence put on a great performance, was drop dead sexy, and also SPOILER ALERT kisses a girl!!!! The only issue really was with the accents – they were inconsistent for most of the movie.

Anchorman 2: not as funny as I was hoping, and a few bad cuts, but otherwise almost exactly what you’d expect. We saw it with only like three other people in the theatre, so I think it’d have been funnier if there had been a whole theatre of people to laugh along with.

Okay now that those are out of the way, the real review: possibly the best show of all time, Adventure Time.

Adventure Time features Jake the Dog and Finn the Human going on adventures throughout the Land of Ooo. Several hints throughout the series indicate that this is a post-apocalyptic world, where Finn is the only human (or is he???) and all other beings have been morphed into various weird things. Like the Candy Kingdom – all the subjects are candy that can talk and stuff.

Finn is the hero, along with his adoptive-magic-dog-brother Jake. Jake can change his size and shape at will.

The “damsel-in-distress” is Princess Bubblegum – and she’s rarely actually in distress. In fact, multiple times it’s up to her to save the day, and she usually comes through.

The “bad guy who doesn’t really do much bad stuff” is the Ice King. He stirs up trouble, but nothing more serious than kidnapping princesses and forcing them to marry him, usually. He also is a link to the past, and in a few episodes, offers explanation into what happened to the world.

Marceline the Vampire Queen is another main female character. She’s a vampire queen. She knows the Ice King from before the world went to hell, and while most people can’t stand him, she has a soft spot for him. She also rocks out on the bass guitar and is like, super deep – understandable, since she’s 1000 years old.

Guys, this series is weird. You have to have a certain type of humour to like it – fortunately, it’s my exact type of humour. At its base, it appeals to younger kids – the animation, language and simplicity of the obvious theme seems geared to them. But the subtext – the pre-apocalypse parts, double meanings of jokes, and occasional venture into alternate universes and timelines – appeals to adults as well.

There hasn’t been an episode of Adventure Time I’ve watched during which I haven’t laughed uproariously. When I was at the Gazette one time a worker came out to see what was going on because I was pissing myself laughing.

I highly recommend watching this show. Each episode is a mere 11 minutes long, so you can burn through a season in like…nine hours. Oh yeah, there are about 50 episodes per season.

Currently they’re on episode 43 of season 5 – and actually, this post comes at the perfect time, because a new episode airs Monday (and each Monday after that, in the nature of a series).

In the meantime, you can watch every single episode right here. Seriously, you can get through them all in one lazy week. Or I guess you could do homework, nerd.

TL;DR:

Frozen was great, American Hustle was pretty good but sometimes boring, Anchorman 2 was what you’d expect, and Adventure Time is an amazing show so watch the episodes here.

Follow me like that photographer follows his girlfriend:

@CamMParkes

Love,
CP

PS. If you laughed when I said I always see things coming, GROW UP.

Categories: Blog, Early Saturday | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things that for some reason satisfy me even though they maybe shouldn’t

So, apparently yesterday was classified as “Blue Monday” – normally a Monday a few weeks into January, it’s supposed to be the most depressing day of the year, or something. And now the temperature is steadily plummeting to about -30 (-40 with wind-chill) and everyone’s all miserable and shit (except you jerks who get school off). So here’s a list of things that just immensely satisfy me (sometimes for no reason) to take away those post-blue-Monday-blues.

(Includes a shit ton of pictures for your viewing pleasure.)

1: Getting home from work and taking a shit.

Yes, I’ll go at work if I have to. But it’s just so relieving to get home after working for 9 hours, plunk down and let it rip. Literally. Oh get over yourself, everyone does it.

1b: Managing to unclog the toilet with one plunge, and watching the water rush down.

What? Efficiency is satisfying to me.    

2: Kicking all that frozen shitty sludge-snow off the area beside your front tires.

MAN that is satisfying. You deliver a good kick and WHAM, it all collapses to the ground. I’m getting shivers thinking of it.

3. When things fit really nicely together when they’re not meant to.

This is kind of a weird thing but holy shit it makes me happy. And I’m not the only one – there’s a whole blog devoted to freaks like me here.

4. Rolling a large straight/Yahtzee in one roll.

For those of you who know the game, trust me, it’s happened – I’ve done it. And it is fucking majestic.

5. When you write in cursive for some reason and it’s all smooth and feels really nice and neat.

That happened to me today and I was like, what is this god script I am inking on this paper?!

6. Back cracks.

Just…hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg.

7. Being right about something and not saying ‘I told you so’ but smirking so they know you’re thinking it.

Because who doesn’t like to be right? But saying something is being douchey. Keep it to yourself, but let them know you’re keeping it to yourself. You know?

8. When songs end exactly as you’re getting to your destination. This happened to me twice yesterday. I wept tears of joy, which were instantly frozen to my face.

I couldn’t find a relevant picture, so enjoy Obama being all satisfied.

9. My girlfriend.

EMOTIONALLY you perverts. She’s very intelligent and it satisfies me EMOTIONALLY and INTELLECTUALLY.

9b. My hand.

9c. My girlfriend.

😉  

10. Tricking people into reading things I’ve written while on the toilet.

Admit it. You still find toilet humour amusing. You child.

Oh, and 10b: when people follow me on Twitter I guess?

@CamMParkes

Love, CP

 

OH AND 10C: WHEN TWEETS ARE EXACTLY 140 CHARACTERS!

I just tweeted out the link to this blog, and it was spot on. SO HAPPINESS. VERY SATISFY. WOW.

Categories: Blog, Holiday, List | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s 5 a.m. I must be lonely

YES THE TITLE IS A REFERENCE TO MATCHBOX TWENTY’S “3 A.M”, GOD

As I sit here in the almost-unfathomable early hours of a Saturday morning – okay, it’s after 9:00, which isn’t too terrible, but I’ve been here since 5:00 a.m. – I can’t help but feel that this time of day is under-appreciated.

Getting up before the sun is up on any day sucks ass. When it’s extremely cold out, it’s even worse. When the reason you’re getting up before the crack of dawn is to go to work, your life sucks. And if that’s on a weekend? Oh, the humanity.

The only possible reason one should be up on a Saturday before noon is if they’re taking a page out of Calvin’s book:

And even that’s pushing it. I – or my body – made the decision long ago that more sleep was better than cartoons. And eating breakfast. And getting shit done. And seeing friends and family. But I digress.

Now, through my sleep-crusted eyes, I’m looking at things in a different way. Many bloggers (or, in my case, people who occasionally write stuff down and it happens to get online) consider themselves experts on everything, for whatever reason. Perhaps some of them really are. I always spout of crap that I shouldn’t really have any say in – did you see my New Year’s article? I’m not a scientist or anything, I just listed a bunch of stuff I thought based on common sense and not being an idiot (actually, remember my contributor Laura? She has a blog now! Check it out here). But this…this, my friends, I know all too well.

The Saturday morning 5 a.m. shift.

Most of you probably cringed, and maybe let out a low whistle followed by a “man, sucks to be THAT guy.” You probably did this while still in your PJs, nursing your second cup of coffee for the day – oh, and despite the fact I’ll probably post this sometime between 8:30 and 9:00, it’s almost certainly noon or after when you get around to reading this.

Well, guess what loyal readers? I LIKE early morning Saturday shifts. And on this, I AM an expert – I’ve worked at 5 a.m. or earlier every Saturday – with a few exceptions – for seven months. Now, let me explain.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a social butterfly. I love interacting with people – which is good, given the nature of my job is to interact with people. However, everyone needs their alone time. If you say you don’t, you’re a liar. My alone time is from Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon. I’m the last one to leave the office Friday, and the first –and usually only – to come in Saturday. And there’s something about that I like.

Early shifts during the week aren’t the same. There are always a few other people burning the midnight candle, or going in early to catch up on work. As the day wears on, other people come into the office and the normal hubbub begins. Not so on the weekend.

While every other sane person is tucked under their covers – or, many times during the summer, just getting home from the bars – I’m hauling my ass out of bed to the jangle of three simultaneous alarms. I make the trek to Tim Horton’s faithfully – the poor kitchen worker, who definitely probably wouldn’t agree with me liking Saturdays, knows me well enough to give me a tray without asking – and head into work, the world still quiet and peacefully sleeping. The majority of these days that Tim Horton’s worker is the only person I see. There’s a serene feel to the world in the early hours of the morning, and it’s something you can only find at that time when you’re in a city.

Besides the beauty of being able to ponder the meaning of my existence uninterrupted, there’re more perks to working the Saturday AM shift. For one, that means I get a day during the week off. Basically, I work for two days, get a day off, work for three days, and get another day off. I’ve found I like this a lot more than working five straight days followed by a weekend off. This, in turn, makes it easier to see people who work jobs that involve working weekends.

Working 5 a.m. to 1 p.m. leaves the entire rest of the day open. Most Saturdays, granted, I’ll take a nap after work – but I’m still up and kicking by late afternoon. This leaves plenty of time for a well-rested me to haul ass to a chum’s place for beers and the Leafs game, should the invitation be there (it is sometimes). Or, if not, I have the entire evening to do what I want. This mostly involves eating and playing Halo, but sometimes I clean or do laundry or get my haircut or shave or something.

It actually makes for an easier Friday. I can’t speak for all jobs, but Saturday at the radio station is kind of a neutral day. During the week I gather stories, but on Saturday it’s just news casting. No new stories go into rotation, barring any breaking news. This means stories I gather on Friday don’t need to be completed until Sunday evening, to run Monday. So as long as I gather interviews, I can write a story or two on Saturday, or even Sunday, should I get busy Friday. Personally I like to write them Saturday, as I have a bit of time to spare (as you may be able to tell).

I have a bit of time to spare. My responsibilities on Saturdays are to news cast for four markets. Once I’m done that, I have to monitor the stations and change anything that needs changing, but other than that, I have all the time in the world to finish stories, crush candy, or write blog posts. Or sometimes, watch cartoons. In fact, a Saturday morning shift was how I discovered Adventure Time, and The Marvellous Misadventures of Flapjack (post to come on these hilarious cartoons).

Sometimes I do chat with people via Facebook at 5 a.m. Some friends of mine live across the world, meaning the wee hours of the morning here are prime time to talk with them; also, local friends who have just finished work sometimes want to rant before going to bed.

Basically, here’s a tl;dr: sometimes isolation is good. It’s entirely possible that I go Friday from about 5 p.m. to Monday morning without interacting face-to-face with anyone, and sometimes I like that.

In fact, if I didn’t literally talk for a living, enjoy singing in the shower, yell at video games, or talk to my lovely lady friend daily on the phone, I could go that whole time without saying a word.

Saturday: the day I put in an eight-hour shift, beat probably like ten levels of Candy Crush, read a hundred comics, get a haircut, shower, shave, nap, and wake up – all before you get your lazy ass out of bed.

You really should try to be more like me.

(A good start is to follow me on Twitter to…uh…observe me?

@CamMParkes )

CP

Categories: Blog, Early Saturday, Satirical | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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